Top 6 Wines That Pair Best With Your Child’s Crappy Behavior. Epic News for Parents.

There is a lot of science that goes behind deciding which wine goes best with your chicken, seafood or steak dinner, but what if I was to tell you which wine would go best with the kind of day you experienced? The data is out, and studies now show that certain wines pair up best with different parenting situations and child behavior.

The world’s most renown wine sommeliers have released this list exclusively to us at Life as a Rambling Redhead. Lucky for you, we are kind enough to share this life-changing knowledge. Parents everywhere are rejoicing.

We just want what’s best for your sanity.

Listed below are the best Wine Pairings for all stages of parenthood. 

1. Riesling pairs perfectly with an explosive poopy diaper.

If your newborn baby had an explosive bowel movement, leaving your hands literally shit-stained from the yellow substance we call “poop”, we suggest chugging a glass of Riesling immediately. Riesling is refreshing, tends to be sweet and has a low acidity level. You’ve handled enough liquid that smelled of pure acid today, so kick back and enjoy this smooth, light wine that usually possesses the smell of apples. How lovely.

2. Chardonnay goes great with a middle schooler’s attitude adjustment.

If your middle-school child, let’s call her Megan, gave you non-stop attitude today and yelled the words, “You’re the worst parent ever!” or “Why can’t you be cool, like Addison’s mom?!” then you would most likely benefit from a good buzz. We recommend Chardonnay for your drinking pleasure this evening. Chardonnay has been described as tasting sweet like various melons and has a subtle creaminess. Subtle creaminess sounds divine. Megan’s insults sound annoying.

3. Choose Sauvignon Blanc when you feel like the walls are caving in on you.

If you were stuck inside all day with a toddler who did nothing but throw every toy in his playroom and whined about absolutely everything, then we recommend enjoying one, possibly two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. This wine has been said to have an earthy taste, such as bell peppers or freshly mowed grass. Drinking something that smells of fresh sod will surely help you forget the painful memories of toy trucks being hurled at your face or being bitten by a small baby beast who wants nothing more than to see you cry.


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4. Pair a Merlot with child terrorism.

If you have multiple children, and all of them decided to act like freakin’ lunatics on the same day, then you need something that goes down easily. Something easy to gulp. We suggest a Merlot. This wine is referred to as an “introducing” wine to novice wine drinkers since it is smooth and light. We are very aware that you are not new to drinking wine, but tonight is not the night to jack around with a dry wine that forces you to drink slowly. You were assaulted by multiple child terrorists today and you’re still alive to complain about it. Drink up warrior.

5. Pinot Noir goes well with dented or scratched vehicles.

If your teenager was involved in a minor “fender-bender” today (aka – she backed her new car into your car that was parked in the driveway) then we recommend a Pinot Noir. This wine is very delicate and fresh, unlike your daughter, whose sole purpose in life seems to be attempting to destroy all of the cars you own. The tannins in this wine are very soft, making it the opposite of bitter. Nobody needs a dry wine when their daughter is constantly participating in a real-life game of bumper cars…. you’re already bitter enough, thanks to her.

6. Cabernet Sauvignon pairs perfectly with poor hygiene.

If you find yourself covered in baby vomit, human waste, or toddler boogers, then you need to drink wine that will, for a brief moment, make you feel like royalty. We suggest drinking a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. This wine has been deemed the King of Red Wines. It’s dark, rich and is said to be best paired with a decadent, juicy steak. When one is covered in foul bodily fluids, they do not have the time nor the desire to grill a steak. Thank goodness drinking wine does not take much effort. Forget the steak, and grab your best crystal glass to have the ultimate royal experience. And change shirts immediately. Queens and Kings don’t sip wines with crusty nose goop adhered to their clothing.

If you’re unable to invest in any of these suggested wine choices, there is always Boone’s Farm and Franzia waiting for you at your local, disgusting 7-eleven. There is no scientific data behind these two wines, but we are very confident that they will get the job done.

Forget about the dishes, laundry or wasting precious “me-time” on bathing. Have a glass of wine with someone special – preferably your spouse, since that special person helped you create these cute but horrible monsters that drive you to drink.


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– Until the next time this Redhead rambles.

SEE PART TWO: Breaking News: 6 More Wines That Pair Well With Your Child’s Crappy Behavior. 


(just in time for Mother’s Day….)

Please Note: The little boy pictured in the photo above is not actually crying. He’s an extremely well-paid model for the blog. We don’t go around making babies cry to get a good picture; this is his “Monster Scream” which he does on command.

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If you have children, then you’re probably sick and don’t even know it: 8 Signs That You Are Suffering From Parental Disorder.

Top 6 Wines That Pair Best With Your Child's Crappy Behavior - Life as a Rambling Redhead

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About Jennifer 122 Articles
I'm Jenn... A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor. Because who really likes to take life so seriously?


  1. if i were to make a video of me reading this would it be ok? i had a lot of fun reading it to a friend with official voice and fun inflections.

      • Thanks! I’m trying to respond to all comments 🙂 They took the time to write me, so I’ll take the time to write them. Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts. Kudos to YOU! haha

  2. This as fabulous as that glass of cabernet I had yesterday evening after a rough day with a kid who was completely contrary, lol. I laughed my tushie off…well, not literally unfortunately 😀 but thank you for the giggles.

  3. Amazing. Thank you for this. I am going to go drink some Merlot now. I do believe that “2-yr-old drop kicking 4-yr-old, who then bounces his face off your coffee table – resulting in his first ER visit & 5 stitches to the face” falls under the child terrorism category.

    • Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment! Hope there are more posts that you will enjoy 🙂

    • HAHAHAHA I literally laughed out loud! I give you permission to print this. For the refrigerator’s sake. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! Glad you enjoyed 🙂

    • Thanks so much! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and then letting me know that you thought it was perfect hahaha I’ll take that ANY DAY!! 🙂

  4. Now, more than ever, I feel we are united as moms! I love me a nice, tall glass of wine! I’m a working mom of two, a 2 yr old and an almost 3 month old, and times get rough! We’re in the beginning stages of potty training and I’m about to return to work from a long maternity leave. Wine is a necessity!

    • Girl, you are a SUPERMOM! Your kids are so close in age! Probably even closer than mine are! (20 months) I’ve been breastfeeding, so I haven’t had a lot of wine, but I find myself drinking more lately as my son gets closer to the age of 2.5 haha Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! MOMS UNITE. (with wine… duh.)

    • oh man, I have yet to experience this dreadful homework hour that you speak of…. but I would think pinot grigio would go down nicely. Or make the husband assist the child, that’s always an option! haha! I plan to do this when it comes to the math homework 🙂

  5. This so made my day. One time I actually sat in my car drinking wine from the bottle, hiding from my high-school freshman and her angst. I had to gird my loins for battle.

    • So glad you enjoyed it!! 🙂 Ugh, I have not experienced the teenager stage yet, and I am not looking forward to it haha With young kids I find myself leaving the house to get more sugary coffee drinks – so I can keep up! Thanks for taking the time to read my post,and comment. …hopefully there ae more posts on my site that you can relate to!!

  6. Brilliant! I once was playing around with my little boy (he was 4 at the time) and hugged him tight saying “I’m going to squeeze you and squeeze you until all the juice comes out!” – he immediately turned round, hugged me back and said “I’m going to squeeze you and squeeze you until all the wine comes out!” That tells you something about my parenting/wine drinking habits…

    • Bhahahaha this made me laugh out loud! Kids a so smart! The things they say could fill up a blog lol hilarious. Thanks so much for taking the time to read as well as comment! – telling my husband this story!

    • Thanks so much Niki! I’m not to the teenage years with my kids yet, but I imagine they will be dreadful at times! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment 🙂

    • Thanks so much Rachel! So glad you enjoyed 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

  7. Hello redhead! I am a strawberry blonde mom to one blonde girl who has definitely tried my patience many times. And if I had a dollar for every evening I wanted a glass of wine, I could probably buy a vineyard. Thanks for this light-hearted list!

  8. You really should come up with some pairings that relate to, not only our little terrorists, but our cranky husband’s too!! Lol

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