Let me start by saying that I am usually devastated when Christmas is over… but this year was different.
This year, I had a three-year-old.
For the record, Von (the three-year-old we are talking about) loved Christmas. He got amazing toys, more than one kid should ever have, saw all of his family members, and most importantly (to him), he consumed more sugar than he ever has in his entire existence.
But there is a dark side to the happiest day of the year when a three-year-old is involved. Between battling arguments about eating candy and sugary baked goods for breakfast and the not so subtle demands of, “MORE PRESENTS!” from the greediest midget in all the land, I’ve got to say that I am not sad to see these situations leave us.
In order for my husband and I to recover from such Christmas trauma, our family is undergoing a Christmas detox which is effective IMMEDIATELY.
Listed below are the six easy steps which make up this oh-so-wonderful Holiday Detox.
1.All food products containing more sugar than a single strawberry must go in the garbage.
Because if I have to explain why eating candy canes and cookies bought by our neighbors is not the breakfast of champions, I just may book a flight to Mexico and never return. Ever. Consider me a permanent Mexican. I may not know much Spanish, but I do know, “AUDIOS LOCO AMIGOS!” I’m sure you’re feeling the same way, so dump those delicious goodies and never look back. (Until next year.)
2. The Purge-atory.
You must purge your children’s playroom or bedroom of toys that they have not touched in the last three months. Donate it all! After this step is complete, you will be amazed at how much better you sleep at night and walk throughout your home with ease during the day.
*You should also donate all of the super annoying toys that are the bane of your existence. No one will miss them. Bye.
3. All wreaths that have the fake red styrofoam berries must get the boot.
These foamy balls of temptation must go back to their designated attic spot because I’m pretty sure that these kids don’t need to consume one more of these balls. The red berries are beautiful against your green pine wreath but are terrifying when appearing in your child’s fecal matter. If your child is an avid pinecone licker, then you may want to banish those from the kingdom as well.
4. Say farewell to the elf that gets placed on anything other than a shelf.
We said goodbye to our new elf, Chase, happily this year. I didn’t want one more ping of instant guilt when I make my morning coffee because I realized that I forgot to move his magical ass. Because NO ONE NEEDS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ANYTHING AT 6 AM, YOU DEVIL CREEPER.
5. No more empty lies about a fat man watching your children and withholding their toys.
Mama’s back in charge now! Time for us to take control of the sleigh reins once again and tame these mini beasts. Santa didn’t help me out one bit with these three-year-old tantrums… I’m rendering him ineffective. He’s all talk and no action. Or presence. It’s basically like he doesn’t exist.
6. Nothing that resembles a present or gift of any kind can enter the home.
This step is by far the most important. We do not need these children seeing anything wrapped due to the fact that it will flood their little brains with fond memories of Christmas presents which will then result in them demanding new toys, then they will cry, and then you will cry. So… just no freaking wrapped objects are to be brought in the home for at least five months.
My daughter’s second birthday is at the end of this month and I am 100% “wrapping” her toys in pillowcases this year. I know, I know… it’s genius. #dedicationtothedetox
By following these very easy fool-proof steps you are guaranteed to be a happier, healthier, more sane you in 2017.
Instead of looking like this:
You’ll start to look like this again:
(smiling on a bed with your happy non-sugar-loaded children. Praise the Lord.)
Photography by: Stephanie Rose Photography
Feel free to print this thorough detox guide. It’s yours for the taking.
…and it’s free because I love you and know that you are suffering without it.
-Until the next time this Redhead rambles.
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