I’m just going to be really honest with you… I try not to wear real clothes often.
Like, ever. Not even to doctor appointments, which is pretty pathetic and a whole different story in itself. I always have an excuse as to why I am wearing active wear, but the excuse is rarely that I worked out. Truth is, I just want to be comfortable.
However, there are a few times a month where I must look presentable, so when I do start to put clothes on my body that are not made of spandex, my kids tend to freak out. When Mommy puts jeans on, it’s like an alarm has sounded in their baby brains, because something is GOING DOWN.
My toddler always thinks it’s one of these six things:
1.We are completely out of food.
All of it. When I start to put on real pants, the first thing my toddler assumes is that we need to “get dinner” even if it’s 8:30 in the morning.
“We gotta go to the store. We gots no foodies…” he says with his hands up as if he’s almost asking a question.
No child, we have an ample amount of food. I just need to go to the post office. I don’t only leave to gather food for this family… just most of the time.
2. We need coffee.
My toddler knows that coffee is the king of breakfast in this house. Both Mommy and Daddy want it almost immediately after waking up. So naturally, he knows that we must leave the house in order to purchase our K-cups of coffee from a store, or do the occasional Starbucks run. (Unless it’s from Amazon, this one is my favorite! Brooklyn Beans Hazelnut Coffee, Single-cup coffee for Keurig K-Cup Brewers, 40-count) One afternoon I told both of my kids to hurry so we could leave quickly. I had forgotten that I made plans to meet someone fifteen minutes away. We were late! After I aggressively demanded everyone to run to the door leading to our garage, my son frantically yelled, “Everybody hurry! We need COFFEE AND DINNER!!” He was showing high levels of stress and had a crazy look in his eye.
Right then I realized that I may be failing as a parent. That is what my son thinks we frantically leave the house for. Coffee.
3. We’re going to Target.
Some days as I am changing my son out of his pajamas, he’ll say, “We goin’ to the big balls store…”, as if it’s the only place we go. To be fair, it almost is the only place we go. We will throw in visits to the park on nice mornings, and other random errands a few times throughout the week, but Target is our constant place. They know us by name there, and Von is very familiar with the big red balls.
4. There is an unknown emergency and everyone needs to freakin’ hurry.
The minute I start putting on clothes that have buttons or zippers, my son suddenly becomes the time-keeper. “We gotta hurry! LET’S GET GOIN!”, he’ll yell at me from down the hallway. I’ve made a mini drill sergeant out of him by using the word hurry pretty much anytime we are getting ready to leave our house.
The minute I slip on those extremely stretchy skinny jeans, it’s on. Be prepared to be barked at by a 3-year-old who appears to be extremely agitated.
5. Since we are leaving the house, he believes that there is a possibility that he could get a new toy, no matter how small his chances may be.
I’ll rip off that incredibly soft and oversized graphic tee in exchange for a normal, fitted shirt and instantly my toddler’s wheels start turning. Let the butt-kissing commence.
“Mommy, you so cute….I be so good today, Mommy. I be so good, okay…?”
“Yes, please be good, Mommy would appreciate that!”
“I be good in da store.”
“That would be so great! Mommy loves it when you’re good in the store! That makes me so happy!”
“AND THEN I GET A NEW CAR! OKAY! OKAY!!!!” (Toy car. He has a Matchbox car addiction.)
And so it begins. He’ll ask me until my ears bleed, no matter how many times I say no, or how many times I explain that good behavior in a store is just expected. Sometimes he won’t even forget about it until the next day.
Nice clothes = slight chance of Mommy buying a new car. Totally makes sense.
6. That we are going to interact with other humans.
I slip off my robe and put on a dreadful bra.
“WE GOIN’ TO TALK TO SOME PEOPLE?!?!”, my three-year-old shrieks from across my closet with a huge open mouth smile.
I just stare at him, wide-eyed, in shock at his excitement.
Ok, now that’s bad. I’ve got to get this kid out more.
That’s all I can say about this one.
And that’s it.
According to my toddler, those are, literally, the only reasons we leave our house.
… now that I’m thinking about it, this all seems pretty accurate.
-Until the next time this Redhead rambles.
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