Motherhood is truly an adventure.
With its unexpected ups and downs, it is constantly keeping me on my toes (or knocking me on my butt) and pushing me just to the brink of insanity. The nice part is, it also supplies me with some deep belly laughs in between the mental breakdowns. I feel like once you get your daily routine down and understand what makes your kids tick, life becomes a little easier.
(Clarification- just a teeny tiny easier… not much though).
However, there are a few things that I will never understand. Things that I don’t think will ever get easier, no matter how many years of motherhood I have under my belt.
Obviously, this belt I speak of his is a hypothetical accessory. You don’t wear belts with yoga pants because that would look stupid.
No matter how experienced a mother is, I feel like these things will always remain a mystery:
- I’m speaking loudly, so why can no one in this entire freakin’ house hear me?
“HELLO?! Are you listening to me?!”
No. No they sure as hell aren’t. They don’t even realize that I’m in the same room as them.
I yell louder, “Von! Look at me PLEASE. VON! VON MICHAEL…..”, I do this aggressive sea lion-clap thing, thinking that it will break his focus on whatever kitchen drawer he has himself bent into.
He continues to move around the plastic Tupperware. Clearly, the aggressive sea lion-clap is rendered ineffective. When I finally get his attention, he just stares at me like, “What? Have you been talking?…”
Don’t even get me started on the male human that I am married to. That man has the most selective hearing I have ever witnessed. Or he’s almost deaf. It’s one of the two, and I think we all know which one it is.
2. Why did my child eat three servings of green beans two days ago, but today if a green bean is within four feet of him, he almost internally combusts?
I will make my three-year-old the same meatballs that he was obsessed with the week prior, but now suddenly he hates them. It’s crazy how distinguished their toddler palates really are. Not frustrating at all.
Two days ago, my son loved peas. He ate a ton of them at dinner. So, being the desperate amazing mother that I am, I specifically went to Target to buy more, because he LOVED a vegetable. Now, he shuts down if one touches his plate. Like, completely shuts down. All toddler systems crash immediately.
That’s what I get for going out of my way to please my child. I’ll never make a special pea trip ever again. Fool me once, fine, but you’re not fooling me twice, you tiny monster.
3. How the heck do moms who work from home actually get work done?
This is truly a new mystery to me since I just started my own little side business. Now that I am trying to have phone conversations, placing orders, and answering emails and messages about the products, I see that working from home is almost impossible. All working moms must have an unbelievably large amount of gray hair all over their bodies. I’m talking gray hairs everywhere.
Here is what happened on a call yesterday:
“Yes, our cleaning products only use water! No chemicals, no cleaners, no paper tow…”
“MAMA! MAY I PWREASSSSE HAVE DA IPAD?!” (yelling of course).
“Hold on one moment honey, Mommy is talking.” *forced smile.
“Sorry about that, my three-year–old has an obsession with iPad puzzles, anyways, where was I?….. Oh yes, so yeah! Just water! Saves you time, mon…”
“HEY YOU. I just ate sumfdin.”
“WHAT? What did you eat, let me see your tongue, open up! OPEN!…”
Customer: “Hey Jenn, I’ll just order tonight, OK?”
I don’t blame her. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be on a sales call with someone who isn’t an understanding friend who also has a threenager.
How do you do it, work-from-home-moms? What if they don’t nap? What if they hurl their body off of a high platform while you’re on the phone? How do you actually do work? How does any mom do work?!
4. Why is the laundry never done?
Even when it’s done, it’s not really done. I either haven’t put it all away or a stack is tucked away somewhere. There have been two times, maybe, that I have washed, dried, folded and put away all articles of clothing since birthing children. When I completed these successful laundry missions, a weight was lifted off of me. I did a victory dance, it can be best described as a ballet/ interpretive dance hybrid. It was glorious, not only the dance, but also the feeling of success.
Then I threw everyone’s clothes into the dirty hamper at bedtime and I instantly became depressed.
Let the build up of soiled garments begin, once again. It’s never done. Even when it is “done”.
5. Why is deciding what my family of four will eat for dinner the most stressful decision of the day?
Dinner. We know it’s coming, every single day it shows up sometime in the evening hours, but somehow, it still sneaks up on mothers worldwide.
It’s 4 pm. What am I making for dinner? Chicken? No, we just had that. We have some hamburger meat, I’ll use that for something… but what? Burgers? Meatballs? Do I need a recipe for meatballs?
*Looks in the fridge for the ground beef.
No ground beef.
It’s 5 pm. Why is everyone looking at me? Why don’t they go ask Daddy what’s for dinner?
Pizza it is.
Dinner can bring great stress. Unless you’re super structured and do something called meal planning. I’ve heard this term “meal planning”, but I’m not quite sure what it is….
If you’re like me, you like to wait until the last minute and cause yourself a great deal of anxiety. Because it’s fun!
Why is dinner so stressful?! I have no clue, but I do know that it has absolutely nothing to do with the busy day I’ve had or my poor planning. Nothing.
See?… motherhood is so mysterious.
I think it’s no mystery where they get their cuteness from…
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Hey. Are you suffering from Parental Disorder?