8 Signs That You Are Suffering From Parental Disorder.

I’m sick.

And chances are, that if you have children,  you’re sick too. You probably don’t even know that you have a serious disorder, but that’s ok, I’m here to clear things up.

I’m here to give you facts and knowledge.

Let’s take it back three years, shall we? Back to 2012. It’s 8:30 in the morning and I am dressed in trendy, non-stained articles of clothing, ready to go meet a friend for breakfast before heading to the mall buy more nice clothing, like blouses, that in all reality I didn’t need. In 2012, I look good at 8:30 am.

Now, in the year 2015, at 8:30 in the morning, I look like this:


What makes me look like this, you ask?

Besides the lack of a tanning bed in my life (I’m a recovering addict), I’m also suffering from a very common disorder.

Parental Disorder.

Individuals that are living with this illness tend to prioritize other things before their personal appearance, but that’s just one symptom.

Listed below are the most common symptoms that come with Parental Disorder. If any or all of these sound familiar to your lifestyle, then most likely, you too are living with this condition.

Brace yourself and read with a box of tissues and a loved one, if possible.

  1. You are unaware of what “Netflix and Chill” really means.

When your significant other asks if you want to “Netflix and chill” you say yes. As they throw their body on top of you out of sexual desperation, you scream, “I said I want to watch Netflix and CHILL! “ Since you have Parental Disorder, you are unaware that “Netflix and chill” is now code for let’s have sex. Apparently, your spouse’s childless co-worker clued him in on this new meaning, yet failed to inform you.

  1. You can’t hold conversation past 8 pm.

When you’re lucky enough to score a babysitter and finally able to attend one of those work happy hours or holiday parties, you find yourself showing all of your co-workers your child’s latest school glamour-shot. When you’re bored with that (along with all of your colleagues), you are constantly looking at the clock. When 8 pm rolls around you can’t even hold a conversation because you’ve realized that you would much rather be at home sitting on the couch in comfortable clothes watching videos of your child on your cell phone. The urge is so powerful that you spend the next twenty minutes debating if you should leave. Then you leave.

  1. Your car is spacious and efficient.

When you go to buy a new car you freakin’ dread it. “…but how many children, car seats, strollers, sports equipment and neighbors can we fit into this beast ?” is your only question and concern when you have Parental Disorder. It’s a brown minivan that resembles that turd your toddler pushed out this morning, but you don’t give a crap, think of how many bodies will fit into this thing! How exciting! You’re grinning from ear to ear in your rolling turd. The kids can run around in it, the doors shut automatically AND it has a DVD player? Shut up.

This minivan is so dope.

  1. Your children’s faces are the only things that are on your Facebook page.

While your healthy, normal friends post girls trip photos, work accomplishments, and home decorating pictures, you only post photos of your children’s faces. Always. Multiple times a day. #sorrynotsorry and #cutnessoverload are your most used hashtags because people with Parental Disorder only care about their offspring. Everything else is boring…. and so not cute.

  1. Online sales are just as exciting as major holidays.

You look forward to bogus online sale days, such as Amazon Prime Day. You mark them in your calendar. Think of all the stuff you’re going to buy in BULK! When the day finally arrives, you are extremely disappointed with the merchandise selection and express your opinions via Facebook.

We see what you are doing here Amazon, trying to clean house of crap nobody wants and calling it a sale. You’re fooling no one. We still don’t want those worthless earbuds and crystal drinking glasses set… oh wait, that robe looks soft though…..

  1. You prefer a simple dinner at home.

Going out to eat is way too much work when you’re suffering from Parental Disorder. Everyone loves paying for food that their toddler just shoves around on his plate rather than consuming, but to you, a simple dinner at home seems much more fufilling. Who knows, if the stars are alligned perfectly, the children might even go to sleep early, giving you extra time to consume your second dinner. Bring out the junk you hide from the kids and chow down.  You keep your steak and fancy restaurant, I’ll eat this left over go-gurt and wash it down with chocolate milk.

  1. Your idea of a fun “ladies-only” night is playing cards in oversized sweatpants.

When your girlfriends want to do a “ladies-only night”, leaving the kids and husbands at home, you secretly wish it was at someone’s house drinking wine and playing cards. Those with Parental Disorder feel more comfortable at home in oversized pajama bottoms without loud musical beats bombarding their eardrums.

I love you ladies, but I’d love you even more if we weren’t at a bar and if I wasn’t wearing heels. The balls of my feet are screaming and this drunk man on my left won’t stop slurring in my face. I’ve been spit on enough today already.

  1. Coffee is your life-line.

I don’t even need to elaborate on this one. You already know what I mean….. you already know.

If these symptoms sound all too familiar to your life, then I’m afraid you too have Parental Disorder. Don’t be alarmed, research shows that people affected by this medical condition actually live very happy, fulfilling lives, so consider yourself #blessed.

(If you are seeking a guidance counselor to help you maintain a normal life while living with Parental Disorder, please contact this Specialist. She will walk hand in hand with you through her award-winning program: “416 Easy Steps To Living Happily With Parental Disorder”. She only wants what is best for you and your family.)

Please let your friends know what you’ve read here today. It may save a life.

– Until the next time this Redhead rambles.

For more humorous and bluntly honest parenting posts like this, please “Like” my Life as a Rambling Redhead Facebook Page!

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About Jennifer 80 Articles

I’m Jenn… A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor.

Because who really likes to take life so seriously?

11 Comments on 8 Signs That You Are Suffering From Parental Disorder.

  1. As a mom of 6, do I get to multiply all of this by 6?!!

    And seriously, I’m seriously suffer from this disorder AND I’m old, so #1 made my jaw drop, because I am SO OUT OF THE LOOP! All this time I really thought people were finding the good stuff on Netflix. And by good stuff, I don’t mean GOOD STUFF. So, yeah.

    Thanks for the giggles!

    • SIX?! Oh my goodness, God bless you, Mama! I’m finding out that most mothers didn’t know what Netflix and Chill really meant haha glad I was here to educate the world on serious, important matters 🙂

  2. I read the words, “coffee is your life line” and panicked when I realized I didn’t have mine yet….. got to go! Thanks your my daily dose of laughter!

  3. Thank you so much for lifting that crushing burden of guilt from my shoulders! I just snorted my Earl Grey out of my left nostril…..(don’t ask, I don’t know either) after learning what Netflix and Chill really means! I will not be caught unaware and unarmed! And, when someone tries to guilt me into getting dressed and going out, when I’d prefer to hang out with them at home, with gumbo, booze and Amazon Prime, I shall refer them to my Parental Disorder Therapist. Bless you!

    • I’m so glad that I could educate you today Jennifer! You’re smarter because of this article bahahaha And your hangout at home sounds great. I’m there 😉

  4. I love everything you write, seriously laughing. as a mother of 4 I would add- you lose your hearing…you KNOW your children are awake and hungry but you pretend you can’t hear them…and you Know They are making a mess/fighting/eating a whole bag of Doritos…but you pretend you can’t hear/see it 😉

  5. Stay at home Motherhood isn’t always perfect, but if we want people to view what we do as important, as a legitimate occupation that has worth, then best to not make fun of ourselves. I get this was supposed to be tongue in cheek, but it definitely paints stay at home moms in a negative light, and for what purpose? No amount of humor or post shares is worth the mockery…or is it?

    • Hi Katie! I have to say, I’m going to completely disagree with you on this. This article wasn’t directed to stay at home moms at all. It was for all parents in general, making light of things that change once sweet, crazy children enter our lives. I love making fun of myself! It’s my way of enjoying motherhood and appreciating it, even in its craziest times 🙂 I know how important being a stay at home mom is and I don’t need to prove its importance to anyone. My goal is never have anyone “view me” or what I do anything other than what it is. I speak about real things that parents experience. I’m sorry you see this as negative, I see this as honest but with a twist of humor instead of complaining 🙂 The last thing I’ll ever do is write a post about how I hate being a parent. Because that would be a huge lie! Merry Christmas, Mama!

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