Millions of parents worldwide cried uncontrollable tears of joy when they first read Life as a Rambling Redhead’s exclusive wine pairings article, Top 6 Wines That Pair Best With Your Child’s Crappy Behavior. We were delighted to hear that this article had not only educated but also enriched the lives of parents across the globe. We have received countless testimonies of how marriages have been saved and relationships with children have improved. Many have even printed and framed this document for public display and nightly reference.
Due to a large amount of feedback, we decided that a second wine pairings list was needed to improve the lives of more parents like yourself.
Once again, we were able to bring together the top sommeliers, to address a few child behaviors that were not mentioned in the first article.
Listed below are more scientifically proven wine pairings for all stages of parenthood.
1. Pair Zinfandel with a hormonal preteen.
If you spent your entire day combating dramatic meltdowns and explaining to your moody middle schooler why life just isn’t fair, then we recommend throwing back a glass or four of Zinfandel. Studies show that the berry aroma and high tannins of this wine pair perfectly with the salty tears of hormonal children. This wine also has a very high alcohol content, which is an absolute must after the day you’ve had. Berries are delicious and heavenly, Madison’s hormones are repulsive and freakin’ dreadful.
2. Rose goes great with the human fecal matter that is stuck in your carpet.
If you spent a good portion of your day trying to convince a little human to excrete into a toilet or had to pick up poop-balls off of your used-to-be-clean carpet, then a Rose wine will taste amazing to you this evening. Rose has been described as delicate and refreshing, unlike potty-training which has been described as absolute tortuous hell on earth. This wine is said to be best chilled, but we recommend not wasting time with this extra step. Consume immediately whether warm or chilled, the professionals are certain that you won’t care either way.
3. Pair a Pinot Grigio with the excessive use of the word “No”.
If you have the word “NO” embedded in your brain due to your entire family’s over-use of the word, then Pinot Gris needs to be your wine of choice this evening and possibly the rest of the year. Pinot Gris primary fruit flavors tend to be pear, apple, and melon which are said to taste sweet and joyful on the tongue. The word “NO” that you and your small baby beasts throw at each other all day long tastes like irritating, repetitive poison when on your tongue. Sipping blissfully on a glass of Pinot will definitely help drown out this obnoxious word, at least until the next morning. Pinot Grigio? NO YES.
4. Choose Syrah when homework battles have left you brain-dead and in a total state of depression.
Whether you forced your child to complete their homework by threatening their existence or just don’t know how the hell to solve that algebra equation on your eighth grader’s worksheet, we are certain that Syrah will put you at ease. With its high tannins and spicy kick, Syrah is said to have a delectable “punch of flavor” that is sure to bring you out of your depressive state as well as supply you with enough energy to Netflix binge for a couple hours before calling it a night. Punch me, Syrah.
5. Merlot pairs perfectly with sleep deprivation.
If that new, precious bundle of excessive cries kept you up all night (and the night prior), then we suggest handing off the infant to your loving spouse and drinking an abnormally large glass of Merlot this evening. The low acidity and tannin levels in this wine will help it go down smoothly, unlike your tiny human, who won’t go down for anything. You may think that you need more sleep, but our extremely accurate data shows that you just need some space and more Merlot in your diet.
6. Choose Champagne when your child finally moves out of your house.
If you dropped your doe-eyed, barely legal teenager off in front of a college dormitory today, then we only suggest the finest sparkling wine for this ultimate celebration, Champagne. Somehow your child managed to obtain their diploma, is now furthering their education and is out of your hair. Thank God. Now you can pray for their safety daily, obsessively stalk their Facebook page and violently weep as you write painfully large checks for college tuition all while poppin’ bottles of champagne. Champagne is a blend of Pinot and some other stuff…. never mind the facts, statistics show that it tastes fantastic. You’ve been abused by this child for the last eighteen years, just drink it.
We also are aware that once the excitement of becoming an empty-nester wears off, parents tend to feel sadness. Their sweet baby is gone and saying goodbye is never easy. This is just another reason why you should enjoy some champagne. You deserve this one, you parental soldier.
If you’re unable to invest in any of these suggested wine choices, there are many boxed wines for the taking. Rip open that box, chunk that glorious bag of wine in your lap and enjoy that adult Capri-Sun beverage. You’ve earned the right to drink straight from the bag – no need to be classy.
Forget about your chores, work assignments and personal hygiene and retreat to the couch where you can Netflix binge away your parental sorrows while sipping the sweet nectar of fermented grapes.
Enjoy with someone you love or enjoy the time in sweet solitude. Just make sure you have the correct wine (and prearranged childcare).
– Until the next time this Redhead rambles.
Please Note: The little boy pictured in the photo above is not actually crying. He’s an extremely well-paid model for the blog. We don’t go around making throw tantrums to get a good picture; here he is being bribed with chocolate.
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If you have children, then you’re probably sick and don’t even know it: 8 Signs That You Are Suffering From Parental Disorder.