“No, You May Absolutely NOT Call Your Sister That…..”

As I sit down to finish editing a serious post about motherhood, I can’t concentrate. One word keeps popping into my congested head.


How is one supposed to edit a piece that she poured her heart and mushy feelings into when she has the word (and in result, an image of) BALLSACK in her head?

I can’t. So once again, the serious topic gets pushed aside in order for the piece about male genitalia to take center stage. I find this happening to me a lot. It’s sad but obviously meant to be. I am being lead to tell my scrotum story.

And thank goodness you all are weird enough to enjoy it. You people, are my people.

So here it goes.

My amazingly handsome and oh-so-intelligent counterpart thought it would be nice to have an anatomy lesson with my 2.5-year-old one night as he was getting him dressed for bed. “Head, shoulder, arm, belly, pee-pee…” My son, who goes by the name Von, would point and hubby would then answer with a body part. Von, then grabs his junk and asks, “Dis? Dis dere…?” Husband replies, “That’s your ballsack, dude.”

And that was it. He had planted the dirty, genitalia seed. He had placed a mental ticking time bomb into the left hemisphere of my toddler’s brain and wasn’t even aware. He had no idea what irreversible damage he had just caused.

I say….. what a dummy.

Fast forward a few days, Von and I go in to wake up sweet sister from her napping slumber. Von quietly opens the door, tip-toes into the nursery like he always does, creeping up to the crib, lifts his little body up onto the tips of his toes as tall as he can stand, peeking over the crib’s railing in order to get a good look at his chubby sister.

At this point, they usually exchange giggles, then I temporarily pass out due to cuteness overload to my heart, then when I regain consciousness I lift sister out of the crib. But today was a tad different. Instead of an adorable giggle-fest, Von decided he wanted to spice things up a bit. He tends to do this daily. “Vonster the Monster” lives a spicy life.

In the highest tiniest voice he could muster (he likes to talk to Berkley in a high pitched voice, clearly mimicking my “baby talk”) he says, “HI WITTLE BALLSACK!”

It took many muscles in my body to keep back my unexpected laughter. I paused. I had no words.

He proceeded to say, “You sooooo CUTE! Here, have dis cow” as he lifted a stuffed animal cow and placed it so lovingly on her face.

To him, he had said nothing inappropriate. She was a ballsack, and she was cute…. what gives? Poor Berkley didn’t even know that she was insulted. She’s only eight months old, she didn’t know that she was just called the undercarriage of a man.

She didn’t know.

Living with a child who spontaneously says and does weird things is actually a lot of fun. Von has an insane amount of personality packed into his tiny body and it supplies me with excellent blogging material.

His phrase obsessions of this week are as follows:

“You! Stop dat! STOP DAT RIGHT DERE!”

This usually gets thrown at me when I am cooking dinner and he wants me to play (like I haven’t been doing that all damn day) or when I am picking up his toys. He demands I stop immediately. He usually yells this phrase with a knit brow and his fat little finger pointed at my face.

“I’m crwying….. Von Cwying.”

My son has started this horrible habit, where if I tell him to come here while he’s super pissed, he will begin to run in the opposite direction. This is just awful, in my opinion, because when toddlers run they don’t pay attention as to where they are going. Von will look back at me, scream and then run smack into a wall.

Karma kid. Karma in the form of a hard textured wall to the side of your face. Super unfortunate.

So because of this running tantrum, I spank when needed. (GASP. I do spank a tush on occasion, insert judgmental thought here.) He got a little spank to the bum today for doing this, and naturally, he started crying. After a few minutes of isolation on his bed, I came in, gave him a hug and told him that he needed to say sorry to Mommy. Without missing a beat, Von looked at me no longer crying, points to his over dramatic toddler tears and said, “But I’m cwying, Von cwying.”

I see that you were crying son, but you must still say you are sorry. Sometimes life sucks.


This one is hilarious. Von will trip, run into walls, or walk into doors and will immediately say “Ouch. I’m OK! I am OOOOOOKAY!”

Even when no one has asked him if he is indeed OK. I won’t see the child fall, but I will hear him reassuring me from the next room over that he is ok, therefore signaling to me that he has run into something hard.

“Mama’s boo-boo, so yucky.”

Here my son is referring to the large zit that is smack-dab in the middle of my eyes. It has made itself a home in one of my facial pores and won’t leave. It’s like the drugged out tenant that won’t accept her eviction notice. My son looks at it in disgust every time I look at him and shoves his finger on it, making my forehead pulsate in pain. “Uh oh, Mama’s boo-boo…yuck right dere.”

Thank you son, for reminding me yet again that I’m gross. Love you, sweet terrorist.

For now his phrases seem to be pretty G-rated. Maybe “ballsack” deserves a PG rating. I know they will get worse and honestly, I am kind of excited about it. Horrible right? Of course, I want my children to be well behaved and respectful, but man, when Von busts out the word ballsack at unexpected times it makes me laugh.

It makes me laugh hard.

Is it wrong to look forward to the next PG-13 word that comes out of my child’s mouth? Maybe…. but I’m with Von on this one, I just want a little bit of spice in my life.


– Until the next time this Redhead rambles.

What does your child say? Whether they are 2 or 19 years-old, I want to laugh, so let’s hear it.


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About Jennifer 79 Articles
I'm Jenn... A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor. Because who really likes to take life so seriously?

44 Comments on “No, You May Absolutely NOT Call Your Sister That…..”

  1. My two year old told me he went on an “and-venture” and saw a fire truck last week with his daycare class.

    Whenever he hits a sibling and they tell on him, “Thatch hit me!” I say, ironically, “Of course he did.” He has turned this into his phrase. I’ll say, “You don’t need another cupcake,” to which he replies, “Of course I do!”

  2. P.S. my 5-year-old’s favourite PG rated word of the moment is ‘crap’. I ask him to do something – he says “yeah, Mum, just let me finish this crap I’m doing first’ …(not an actual crap – it’s just his favourite describing word!)

  3. My daughter is 3 1/2 and for as long as she has been talking she let’s whomever is around, wherever we sre, that her butt talked. Yep….when my sweet angel passes gas (which she does often) she announces loud and proud “mommy, my butt talked” . So far this embarrassing phrase has come out of her mouth in Target, Safeway, and even when all is quiet in church.

  4. While in a crowded restaurant, my 2 year old son saw a dump truck on the street. He yelled quite loudly “DUMB FUC@”
    You had to pick us off the floor we were laughing so hard!

    • Oh! We adopted our son from China in December and he’s 3 now. He cannot say “Truck” to save his life, although it is one of his favorite things. He sees any truck and he yells, “Fuc@!” with glee.

      We should start a club 🙂

    • OMG! That is hilarious!! Von says “fork” like a curse word. It’s mildly entertaining to say the least haha

  5. Laughed so hard with the running into walls. Mine still do that. Funny thing with these words of big bro (6yr) is lil sis (4yr) copies. A lot. And everything her big bro hero does. So you can look forward to that too. The other day for instance, both jumping on the trampoline, I just heard her screaming OUCH! MY BALLS!!!! Sometimes it’s her penis. But that one she keeps for public use. Even big bro tries to correct her but no. She has balls. Not necessarily a bad thing. I know. Oh and pimples get called nipples. I refuse to correct that one as my husband often ends up at the look-dad’s-got-a-nipple-on-his-chin-again end. Payback for telling our son all the words they use when I have to pick them up from school/daycare and he is safely at work. Loved the other comments too. Dumb f*ck had me on the floor now. I am addicted to my Rambling Redhead morning coffee laughter. Thank you, Jenn. And beautiful Von.

    • Omg Danine you are a freakin hoot! I’ve got a huge pimple on my face right now and I think it is the size of a nipple, so that wouldn’t be a horrible description honestly haha My balls hahahaha one day she will learn that (thankfully) she does not have balls. One day.

  6. That is entirely too funny and cute! I love it. I’m glad you wrote this and put away the serious story. 🙂

    • Thanks Keelie! Somehow the serious posts get temporarily tossed aside. So sad! But the scrotum story had to be told. Priorities.

  7. Awww!!! My baby has four legs and fur, so his talk is “woof woof” and I have no clue what he’s saying (I think it’s, “Mama, let me chase the birdies/boogeyman!” but I won’t let him) But when my niece was about 4, she said oh so innocently, “Daddy! Move your fat ass!”


    Once we got over our fit of laughter, we told her, “Em, baby, you can’t say that to your Daddy. Even if it’s true because he’s blocking the door so you can go play with the kitties!!”

    She’s now 11 and hasn’t said a cuss word (to my knowledge) since.

    • Yay! Thanks so much Tanitha! So glad you found me!!!! And that you enjoyed my post!! Hopefully there will be a few more you’ll like 🙂 Have a great weekend!

  8. Lol love this… glad to be reminded that I’m not alone in the weird things my child says category. “I’m so hot and have diabetes” is one of his recent ones (he does not have diabetes and I haven’t the slightest idea where he picked that one up) and yesterday he out of the blue gabbed his daddy’s butt and yelled “There’s a monster in there!”.

    • I showed my husband you comment and he just about died from laughter! “I’m so hot and have diabetes”???? Man, I can’t WAIT to hear this child’s pick-up lines bahahaha Thanks for sharing Lara, and thanks for reading!! 🙂

  9. This is so close to home right now! Cash is 2 and 3 months. The language development is such a side show act right now. At dinner I said, “eat your peas please” and he looks at me in shock and disgust and says, “like from the potty?! I’m not eating pee momma!” Oh boy…

    • He’s a smart kid!! Glad to know that we are in the same boat Mama!! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your hilarious pea story, this is great!!

  10. Hahaha! Love this! My son does the exact same “I’m ooooookaaay!” Yesterday morning a car honked outside and he tried to ask “who’s that honking?” But it came out, “Who’s that humping?” Ummm….

    • Who’s humping?!?! bahaha LOVE! We should probably correct them when they say things incorrectly, but that wouldn’t be as much fun now would it? 🙂 Thanks for reading and sharing Samantha!

  11. This is hilarious. I just spat fruit juice all over my sofa as I choked on the ballsack (God, that sentence doesn’t look right). It was worth it though. Sharing…

    • hahahaha That sounded HORRIBLE, but hilarious! Yay! Thanks so much for sharing, I appreciate that so much! Have a great weekend 🙂

  12. Hudsons all about the “too hot… Hot daaayyeemmm” because our Russian driver seems to like to blare that one when he takes us places. Luckily, he can say it all he wants when he’s here bc 99.9% of the people could careless if he said “hot damn” but when we get back to the states and he screams that one in church… Then we have a problem

  13. My favorite was when my daughter, then 2, stopped her ballet teacher mid-pirouette to announce: “I have boogers!” Sometimes it’s even more humorous just listening to other people’s responses… “Yeah? Well, sometimes that happens… moving on..”

    • Haha!! I once told my mom that I farted in class but no one smelled it so it was ok. I mean, how do kids come up with these things?! Why did your daughter need to share that she had boogers? Who knows, but I love it 🙂 Thanks for reading and sharing your story with me!

  14. My now 10 year old used to believe juice bags were called douchebags for about a year from the time she was two. I enjoyed this especially when we’d be at someone elses house especially for a kids birthday party and she’d blurt out, “Please may I have dat douchebag?” At least she asked for a douchebag politely even though other adults looked at me like I was a doucherocket for allowing my two year old to call them a douchebag.
    I would explain that she was not actually referring to them as a douche but in fact wanted a juice bag. I have to say it became really entertaining and I enjoyed waiting for the looks of how bad of a mother I was on everyones face when it happened. Call me sick but hey, as a stay at home Mom at the time, I needed some entertainment besides the Wiggles and guessing what color her poop would be based on what she ate for dinner that night.
    The things one does to make these moments entertaining rather than getting your panties in a bunch.

  15. Great story, so funny. I wish I wrote down some of the things our kids have said to each other and also to some adults as well. #ballsack lol

  16. My husband and I had an argument in front of my two-year-old stepson that involved the f-bomb. During a lull in the fight he danced happily up to us and said, “F*CK!” as loudly as he could, and wouldn’t stop saying it because I couldn’t stop laughing. My husband was afraid to send him back to his mom’s having learned that word, so he taught my stepson that that was what a frog was called, and it was years later that he finally stopped calling it “Kermit the f*uck.”

  17. This is so great! My son couldn’t pronounce the “s” sound when he was that age and so things would often be misunderstood. We pulled up in front of my in-law’s house where my sister-in-law’s smoking chair sat. My son pointed and said “Aunty’s smoking chair!” except that he said “focking” chair… which I am sure you can finish putting it together. And we couldn’t even be mad!

  18. My son said equally inappropriate things at that age. But now comes the fun part: I can do the same when he has his teen friends over. I like to pay it forward with phrases like,”Do your friends really think I’m a MILF?” ? Thanks for your lovely writing and lighthearted sarcasm. Great work!

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