I’ve Been Demoted. I Am Now My Son’s Personal Assistant.

This is my first time ever to be demoted.

And I’m absolutely not mad about it peeps.

I used to be the boss-lady, head honcho, CEO of the house, the Dictator, whatever you want to call me….. but I’ve slid down in the household rankings as of last week. My son decided to take charge of his own life, making me his right-hand-man. Woman.

My son is just a little over two years old, but I think he is unaware of his age considering the fact that he started a new trick that I have never seen another two-year-old do.

He scolds himself.

He has taken over my job almost completely when it comes to scolding or warning him of something.

For example: When he screams at the top of his lungs, I no longer have to jump on him saying, “No No Von! You need to use your INSIDE VOICE!” usually I am yelling this, which makes me a huge, fat, mommy hypocrite. In all reality, this probably confuses the child. But I am allowed to be a hypocrite. I’m a mom. Argue with me and you get sent to your bed, with no paci.

Now when Von screams, it goes like this…… “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! No No Me! OK.

Not only does he scold himself, but he is also quick to address the issue and follow up with a response, “OK”. There is no pause in between the words me and OK… just so you can understand the promptness of his tone. And the best part? He obeys himself so much better than he ever obeyed me. He instantly stops and carries on as if nothing ever happened. I am just the supervisor, I don’t even have to open my mouth. He takes care of business, and I follow up with a, “Well said Von…..well said!”, then we high five and move along about our day.

He even comes with his own verbal caution label. He will jump on the couch and squeal, “CAREFUL ME!“, While still jumping. He hasn’t quite figured out that sometimes when Mommy says, “Careful Von!”, It means stop what you are doing immediately. In his defense, I should make myself clearer. Perhaps, this is why I have been demoted.

Sure, he looks a little strange when he does this in public. Am I worried that my son is suffering from an acute case of schizophrenia? No…. I’m freakin’ relieved! My daily word count has dropped drastically. I no longer sound like a broken record, it’s fabulous. Why scold my child, when he can scold himself?

As of this week, he has started demanding more of himself. Not only has he continued to scold and warn himself when needed, now he even addresses simple tasks. Such as getting in his chair at lunch. “Get in chair Von. OK.”

Or distracting himself when I am unloading the dishwasher. “Play, big truck Von. 10 minutes. OK.” (I used to say to him, “Von, Mama needs 10 minutes to do the dishes, I need you to go play by yourself”….but that was before I got demoted).

Now when I tell Von that we are going bye-bye, he doesn’t miss a beat, “Socks on Von. Shoes on Von. OK.”

This kid doesn’t need some boss-lady, slowing his life down.

All of these self-demands are great! However, there are a few more things he does that need to be addressed.  Luckily, the boss and I have our first board meeting tomorrow, and I have a few new commands that I would like to see added to his “self-scolding list”.

They are as follows:

1.  “No no Von. Do not attempt to bite the toilet seat. OK.”

So. Freakin’. Sick.

2. “No no Von, do not continually lick sister’s head. OK.”

Guys – this one really isn’t funny. He does it so much, I bet all the neighbors think he has issues. Sister is basically drowning.

3. “No no Von, do not hunt and eat bugs. OK.”

This one makes me want to vomit every time I see it. We are not in a country where bugs are served as delicacies. Cut that crap out immediately.

4. “No no Von, you may not collect valuable items, such as expensive watches and wedding rings and carry them around in your diaper. OK.”

That is not a backpack son. You’re a klepto.

5. “No no Von, you may not grab the lunch meat out of the fridge and place it in the dirty hamper. OK.”

Many good meats have gone down this way. Honey smoked ham… tragic.

6. “No no Von, you are not allowed to take mom’s credit cards and hide them in random shoes. OK.”

I go to grab my TJMAX rewards credit card, and it’s GONE. Everything in my buggy gets abandoned. No way I’m spending fifty bucks and not get my rewards points. Hell. no.

It’s double points day, we’re coming back, fools.

7. “No no Von, do not somersault into walls, your sister, or off the furniture. OK.”

I’m so over this one. One day, someone will become broken because of irresponsible somersaulting. You can’t somersault wherever you damn well please, the world doesn’t work that way.We have rules here in this thing we call life. Quit it.

Now, I’m not sure how he will react to my suggestions. I’m sure he won’t be super open to these ideas, but these issues must be addressed. I know I am probably on thin ice as it is since I was recently demoted…. but if I’m no longer the boss, he has to start pulling more weight. I can’t be second in command with this much responsibility.

Wish me luck, people.

– Until the next time this redhead rambles.


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About Jennifer 79 Articles
I'm Jenn... A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor. Because who really likes to take life so seriously?

5 Comments on I’ve Been Demoted. I Am Now My Son’s Personal Assistant.

  1. This one got me…..

    4. “No no Von, you may not collect valuable items, such as expensive watches and wedding rings and carry them around in your diaper. OK.”
    That is not a backpack son. You’re a klepto.

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