6 Things You Shouldn’t Say Before Actually Birthing a Child Because You’ll Just Look Stupid.

Are you currently pregnant? Maybe trying to conceive? Maybe you have no plans of bringing life into this world anytime soon, but feel the need to give parenting advice at any given time because you have a “fur baby”… and to you, that’s basically the same as having a real human child.

Well please read this and take detailed notes. These are some things that you shouldn’t say when referring to how you plan on raising your beautiful blessing when the time comes. Please know that I myself am guilty of saying most of these. I was a fool once too, so don’t be embarrassed (or in denial).

1. My child will never have formula. 

If you haven’t had a child, then you have not actually started breastfeeding yet. You have no clue what life is going to throw at you. Remember, you don’t actually make your own life plans. You will be thrown a curve ball here and there and breastfeeding may be one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I personally loved breastfeeding, but let’s not start making opinions before we’ve actually been there, done that. Don’t rant on about how formula is chock-full of factory man-made poisons when conversing with other living humans. Your baby may need that tin can of poison in order to survive one day.

I’ll save you some coupons just in case.

2. My baby will sleep through the night at  ______  months.

Unless you were given a gift from God to be able to see the future, you should not let this sentence escape your inexperienced-with-babies lips. You know nothing.

You’ve read sleep training books? You’ve memorized statistics?

Great! I’ve read cookbooks, but I don’t walk around making claims about how I know the secret to perfectly roasting a goose. I’ve never roasted a goose and you’ve never stayed up with a screaming baby all night, wondering if she is on the brink of death or just has to fart.

Please. Stop. Talking.

Little do you know, getting your babe to sleep through the night is only one kind of “sleep training”. Just wait until they can sit up and fall asleep with a blanket over their head…..

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….. that’ll freak you out.

Or when they are in a big boy bed and can remove themselves from said bed and fall asleep behind furniture.

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So fun.

3. My child won’t watch television until the age of 2. 

I’ve said this sentence way more than once. I said it up until the day I gave in to Mickey Mouse and his charming gang of talking, half dressed animal friends when my son was 18 months old. As a stay at home mom, I’m just surprised that I made it that long. I’m not a fan of using Mickey as an all-day-babysitter, but I do love that inquisitive mouse for distraction purposes. Plus, it’s kind of fun watching your sweet toddler interacting with Mickey. You learn all sorts of things. Such as, did you know fat Pete is a CAT……? Pete looks like an obese bull dog. No, he’s a freakin’ cat. Google it. And why are Goofy and Pluto both dogs, but Goofy talks and Pluto doesn’t? Pluto acts like a dog. Goofy, on the other hand, acts like a drug addict with a speech impediment.

Weird.

4. My child will never have fast food.

I can honestly say that my child has yet to experience any fast food cuisine with the word “Taco” in its name or consumed anything besides apple slices from the house of golden arches that is Mc Crapnald’s. However, we are definitely on a first name basis at the Chick-fil-a down the street…. so that kinda blows my cover on this topic.

Your kid will eat fast food and they will most likely live to talk about how delicious it was.

Guess what? The fatty, fried foods won’t stay in their tummies forever. Eventually, they will crap it out and you’ll get to wipe it out of their adorable buttcrack (or backs, if it’s explosive).

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5. My child will never act like THAT in public.

Will your toddler only be asleep while in public places? Will he be heavily sedated?

No?…. then he will act a fool in public and embarrass the crap and sweat out of you at some point in his life. Just wait, it’s comin’. I don’t care how perfect little William acts in the privacy of your own home, piss him off in public and that’s when the party starts. My toddler is pretty obedient by nature, but last week, as I was checking out at Target, I took a macaroni box that he was shaking out of his grasp in order to pay for it, and let’s just say….. he made sounds that could probably never be replicated (think bear meets one of those high pitched goat screams).

I became dehydrated, due to how much he made me sweat that dreadful morning.

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Or, take away the ice cream after your sweet angel has had their first bite. They won’t give a poop about those “manners” you’ve taught them then.

6. We will not revolve around our baby’s schedule, it will revolve around OURS. 

So, how does this work exactly?

No scheduled nap times? Kid will just eat whenever? You get to go about living your life just as you did when you were childless…… right.

You’re truly the funniest friend I have.

This is the dumbest one of all. When your babe turns a year old, let’s get together and sip grande sized White Chocolate Mochas and talk about how stupid you once sounded.

We can both giggle. – It’s a date.

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Enter second child…. she has to go wherever,  whenever. Even if she’s not happy about it.


Now, I hope this doesn’t offend you too much…. I mean, I’m just trying to help you out.

I’ve been there, I’ve said some of these things. We are all guilty. If you have said many or all of these things to a friend with kids, consider sending her a Thank You card, for putting up with your I-have-no-kids nonsense.

Just keep focusing on your dog’s needs… then when you have a baby, you can forward this on to your childless friends who imply that you are raising your children the wrong way.

– Until the next time this redhead rambles.


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About Jennifer 68 Articles
I'm Jenn... A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor. Because who really likes to take life so seriously?

35 Comments on 6 Things You Shouldn’t Say Before Actually Birthing a Child Because You’ll Just Look Stupid.

  1. I was laughing the whole way through this post. The blanket-over-the-head picture: hysterical. It’s not even funny how many times I told people that my son wasn’t going to watch the TV until he was much older. Just wait until you have to poop and there’s no one there to hold him….loved it! xoxo

  2. This is awesome, I wholeheartedly agree with every word except #6. We actually have been able to manage keeping all three of our kids *flexible*, not that they sleep anywhere or can wait hours for meals but they have a large naptime window (can go down anytime between 1 and 4ish) and can also adjust their meal times with strategic snacks. I see some of my friends who have fallen into the “schedule is king” idea and I am glad we have worked on flexibility from the start not so that my life can be unchanged but because life is completely unpredictable and we all need to be able to adapt to unexpected circumstances. Great post, though!

    • Completely agree with you! Schedule is not “king” but the day definitely goes better if we stick to some sort of schedule! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment! 🙂

  3. Yes, it’s best to remember to, “never say never.” It’s a lot easier to have realistic expectations. That way, you’ll be pleasantly surprised when/if things turn out the way you want haha. Funny!

  4. This is so true!!! Never judge another mommy and their choices. I always said “I’m never going to let my child play with electronic devices…” And in desperation at resturants I sure do pull out that cellphone and say “ohh, look Emma!! A cellphone!”

  5. Great post! I have a good advantage on the fast food issue though. My daughter (4yrs old) and I are vegetarian and even the oil used in fast food places (MacDonald’s specifically) contains beef flavoring. I told my daughter and she is adamant about not eating animals, so that’s excellent for our health anyways. It’s hard not eating fast food when you are out and about all day running errands with children though. Our best bet usually consists of stopping at a gas station for something semi-healthy until we can make it home.

    • I’m sympathetic to this and my first child had never had fast food (at least on my watch, I don’t ask too many questions when they are with their grandparents ). Then my 3rd was born. And it became all about the drive-through. Anything so that I didn’t have to take my 3 under 3 out of the car and wrangle them alone in that environment just for a snack. My how the dogmatic have fallen. There is a Panera in the next town over that has a drive through though and I think that is brilliant.

      • It happens! It’s hard after you have more than one! I still hate fast food BUT I don’t go around talking about it… because you never know what you’ll start doing after the kids are actually here! haha

  6. First time round I remember going to ante natal and being told to write a birthing plan. The next day I suggested to my midwife that we do this and she laughed so hard, and for so long I went off the idea pretty quickly. Thank goodness I had her to guide me. Second time round – when I was pregnant with twins – I decided the only thing I was going to commit to pre-birthing was to try to leave the house at some point within the first 12 months.

    • My second child was almost birthed in a car. I came into the hospital screaming, “THIS IS NOT IN MY BIRTHING PLAN!” Birthing plans are a joke! haha Thanks for reading and sharing thoughts!!

  7. Tell us what..have a special needs child and all of those things go out the window!! iPad? YouTube? Life saving essentials to go out and amazing tools that my child has learned from! No fast food? Not to worry..he only eats 10 things . Ok..so McDonald’s fries only are one of them..but you’re so happy they’re eating something new you don’t care! Life revolving around them? Heck yes! I spend “free time” while he’s in therapy hanging out in the lobby, calling and making Drs appointments, fighting with insurance or running to Walmart to buy my millionth pull-up, even though he’s 8! Sleep..Hahahahahahah next subject!
    But the one thing it will make you do is make you a better, more compassionate person. You won’t judge other parents (as much) for their choices because you get that we’re all just doing what we need to do to make it through the day!

  8. I had a blast reading this one! I had flashbacks of trying to convice my 1 year old to watch TV, just to be able to have a moment of silence or cook dinner. Everyone around me said that I was exactly meant to be doing the opposite. Arghhh wait and see, I say.
    Just for the record….I don’t do that anymore 🙂
    It was great finding this blog. Keep up the good work.

  9. Your 6 recommended wines post was shared on Facebook….which I loved! So, I continued reading and came across this jewel. As a “seasoned” mom, your wisdom is spot on and your wit had me LOLing with tears in my eyes! Fantastic blog.

  10. Absolutely brilliant. I had a lot of childless friends ready to lecture me on raising The Offspring. I would look at them and suggest they come back when they had a six year old who insisted all the neighborhood dogs were purple (don’t look at me, I still don’t know what that was about), a two year old who could hit you with projectile vomit from ten feet, and a six month old who celebrated learning to crawl by crawling out of a window (yes my child crawled out a window – she saw her brothers, wanted to get to them. This is why I give new parents a rose bush and tell them to plant it under the nursery window….), they could tell me how to raise them. Despite formula (when a kid is vomiting 14 hours out of 24 for nearly five years – you no longer care where the milk comes from – just in how long it’ll stay put), Barney videos (shudder), and chicken nuggets (yes on occasion I was so desperate I would resort to fast food), they are successful, smart, funny, caring human beings. But if anyone can come up with a sure fire, no fail way to get a kid to sleep through the night I’d like to hear about it. Window crawler still doesn’t do it. She’s 15.

    • HAHAHAHAHA this is hilarious! Omg, out a window? I’d die. That’s probably the craziest 6-month-old story I’ve ever heard!!! People seriously are clueless until they have kids. When I tell a story about my kid and they relate it back to a “similar thing that their dog did”…. I know we have problems lol one is a dog and one is a HUMAN. Please don’t try to relate them. PLEASE. Just please….. don’t. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog and commenting! I love hearing stories as good as this one! 🙂

      • I just found this post – a month late. Bravo! And the dog = child thing? Sadly, so very common. You could do a whole post about that one. When our fourth was just a few weeks old, some tax-assessment guy showed up to look over the house. The swaddled newborn in my arms apparently made him feel that we must be kindred spirits – and he proceeded to tell us at great length all about his and his wife’s brand new puppy. Uh-huh…cause a baby dog is JUST like a baby person.

      • Hello! A month late is better than never! People just don’t get it! But we can’t blame them, I didn’t get it until I had kids either, which is how this post was born. We all saw stupid things 🙂 Thanks for reading!

  11. This was hilarious! I actually (literally) laughed out loud many times throughout. So true. Before I was a parent I said most of these things, too. What did I know! I don’t know how many times I’ve looked back at my childless know-it-all self and just shook my head while thinking, “So naive. So clueless. So whimsical. So much easier when babysitting other people’s children and you get to go home after a few hours/days!”

    • Thanks so much Rickie! I think we’ve all been there and thought we were going to be PERFECT parents before we actually had a clue (or child lol) My favorite is when people say “I’ve got two dogs, I could definitely handle your child!” ….Wait, what?! My child is not the same as your dog…. yes they both poop the floor, but one is a HUMAN. Thanks for reading and dropping me a comment 🙂

  12. I remember those days when I was childless. I was actually the opposite. I loved watching Kids have meltdowns in stores and was in laughter at their poor parents trying to control them. Kids are beautiful and so much fun. Even when I had my daughter. Endless wntertainment – and the time I just showered and she exploded poop all over me. Was a great story to share with my (still) childless friends. Thanks for these blog entries! You have a gorgeous and funny family!!

    • Thanks so much Andrea! Kids are THE BEST! Free entertainment for sure! Thanks for reading and sharing!! 🙂

  13. Hilarious!! I don’t have my own kids other than my fur kids and yet I don’t think I can claim any of those with complete confidence…maybe #1 but then again I didn’t get my dogs till they were 8 weeks old so who knows?!

  14. I don’t have kids and I know these are all things no one can say for sure. There are certain things I would like my kids to do and not do, but until I have one, I’ll not know for sure how it will go.

    stars-burn.net/wingingit

  15. I had a friend who said I’m going to change my babies diapers right away so they don’t have blowouts. Among many other numerous things. Hilarious I tell you. Hilarious.

  16. Hey. You have a polish follower in Germany. Isn’t that weird? 😀 We actually managed to avoid TV for 2 years, I also achieved my goal of not giving any sweets for 2 years 😀 Your texts are rrally funny and Your kids absolutely adorable 🙂

    • Thanks so much, Kasia! And hello to Germany!! 🙂 how cool! Good for you for avoid tv and sweets for 2 years! My ultimate goals! Way to go, Mama!! Glad you can relate to my thoughts! Thanks for reading!

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