Meet My Pocket Nanny……

I am a stay at home mommy… and it’s awesome!

But due to the fact that I only converse with a two year old and a five month old all day, I tend to, A: have constant conversations with myself. (out loud typically) and B: drift off into a land of wonder, far far away from my usual daily conversations about tooties, poopie and why it’s not OK to permanently have our hands on our pee-pees. Here in this space my thoughts run rampant and cannot be contained. I’m usually all over the place when I am there, ping-ponging from thought to thought.

Like an un-medicated schizophrenic.

I tend to frequent this land of bizarre thoughts while I am nursing my newest babe. This week she has hit the dreaded 6 month growth spurt and demands to be fed multiple times during the night again.

Fun times.

Last night as I was feeding the babe and bobbing in and out of reality, as if I was high on my own personal mommy trip of exhaustion, an ingenious invention embedded itself into my sleep-deprived brain.

I needed a Pocket Nanny. STAT.

How would one stay at home mom acquire this pocket nanny?…….

…….wishes.

It most definitely would have to be a wish granted to me. From say, a genie.

If Disney can do it, why couldn’t I?


If I had three wishes….. well, they would be awesome.

One would be something about food not containing calories, or the food could still have its calories… they just would not effect me.

The second wish would probably be something “Bewitched” style where I could wiggle my nose and make anything happen. I think I would make it more discrete though, like wiggling my big toe or popping a finger. I don’t want to appear like I have some medical condition or twitch like she does. (They didn’t think that one through in my opinion.)

But my third wish…. It’s the best one. Something I would use probably every hour of my life. Something that every mom would find useful.

I’d have a Pocket Nanny.

Hello everyone, meet my pocket nanny.

Her name is Alessandra. I chose the name Alessandra for my pocket nanny because it means “defender of mankind” in Italian, and I don’t just hire anyone to watch my sweet babes… No, I need a warrior. An Italian warrior. A warrior who will put her life on the line for my offspring. She does whatever it takes to get the job done.

She’s a real go-getter, that Alessandra.

What  exactly is a pocket nanny you ask? A pocket nanny is a mother’s life line. She’s there in a split second when the mother can’t be…. or doesn’t want to be.

Need to run out and grab the mail but don’t want to haul your children to the mailbox?

….. whip out that pocket nanny, she’ll watch the kids.

It’s nap time and you REALLY need to get those nails done. But you can’t leave your sleeping children. What do you do?

…. you whip out that pocket nanny dummy.

Need to excuse yourself to the ladies room and don’t feel like holding your fussy tot while pooping today?

….. Alessandra, get out here.

It’s 11:30 at night and your husband wants to have a little adult playtime but you’re exhausted. You’ve had kids hanging on you all day, you didn’t get a shower in, and your pretty sure the little tight crusty spot you feel on your eyebrow is a booger from your first born…..

Throw the pocket nanny at him immediately.

– just playin.

Unless that sounded nice to you, then by all means…..

The pocket nanny has SO many uses! She’s good at everything. I think most will even cook for your children, if set up in the initial contract up front. Alessandra speaks many languages, so my children will be bilingual. She speaks Spanish which will be useful since we live in the south and she also speaks Italian, but no one cares.

All pocket nannies are unattractive as not to accidentally attract your husband. (If for whatever reason you would like your pocket nanny to be easy on the eyes, say for a reason that was listed previously, then you and your nanny can come to an agreement on when she is allowed to be attractive. It’s all negotiable. That’s what is so great about the pocket nanny!)

Pocket nannies can be used for even 30 second small tasks….

Does your child’s diaper smell like a nuclear waste plant? Don’t feel like coming within 3 miles of that filth? Your pocket nanny will change that for you, with a big smile across her Italian face. (Or whatever nationality you want….. We don’t discriminate here.)

Is your child about to throw a massive temper tantrum somewhere really embarrassing, say church? Start running away from the situation and chunk that pocket nanny at the beast. She’s got this! She’s trained! Hell, she’s probably better than you in these circumstances. Go get coffee and don’t even feel guilty about it girl!

The options for the pocket nanny are endless. They’ll do anything to make your life easier. They are just here to serve you.

Now, how the pocket nanny would work as far as size goes is quite simple. She will remain small, as to fit in your pocket (hence the name….) and then when you go to pull her out of your pocket, the friction against your pants causes her to grow into a normal, acceptable, human size. We can’t have two inch nannies running around……

……that would just be stupid.

The pocket nanny needs to be a regular human size in order to convey authority. Dominance. The children won’t obey something the size of a large grasshopper. In fact, I think being that small would indeed would bring harm upon the nanny. I don’t know about your child, but my toddler would try to step on her, kick her, snap his fingers on her (it’s a new obsession…. still trying to figure that one out myself….) eat her or most definitely, shove the nanny up his nose as pictured below.

DSC05890

 

This was the first trial run of my pocket nanny. She didn’t grow and remained 2 inches tall. The nanny can’t do us any good if she is floating in brain matter. “Where are you Alessandra………?”  

Devastating.

No, she must grow.

I am really thinking that I’m on to something here. Every “type” of mom could benefit from this. The working mom wouldn’t have to put their child in daycare if they didn’t want to, the mom who works from home could definitely use the crap out of her pocket nanny, while making phone calls and responding to emails…. (I still don’t understand how moms work from home, well done ladies) and we all know the stay at home mom could use a quick breather. Maybe seven breathers.

per hour.

Yes, I think this could become a real thing. Like the businesses on Shark Tank. Did you happen to see the invention that helps you poop better? The stool your feet rest on called the Squatty Potty? I’m pretty sure I can poop without assistance……

I take that back…. I do need assistance, just not from a foot stool.

(I don’t know why I tend to get hung up on this topic, but this needs to be said…. If you haven’t pooped while holding your baby then you’re not a real parent. Hate to break it to ya sista. You are not #legit until you have given every ounce of your dignity to your child. Until you have shared the throne with your babe, you are just a pretend parent. Think of it as an initiation into parenthood. Do it today.)

But this “pooping stool” we speak of….. can the stool soothe my screaming baby? Can the stool sing The Wheels on the Bus to my child? He’s demanding that I sing that song to him while I’m trying to take care of business and I don’t want to sing it….. Not now child. I need to focus at the task at hand….

……but I can’t. The stool can’t sing songs or hold my baby.

No. Gimme that pocket nanny. You keep your poop stool.

SO WHO’S IN?! Who wants their very own pocket nanny?! I want Alessandra.

I want her.

Anyways, if I had three wishes that would be super neat and I think this is what I would ask for.

I mean, I haven’t put too much thought into it really. It would be pretty embarrassing if I had too much detail………..

– Until the next time this redhead rambles.


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About Jennifer 79 Articles
I'm Jenn... A blunt, redheaded mommy who likes to look at motherhood in a slightly different way. This blog consists of stories of how I survive my job as a SAHM, a job that I love. I tend to like sarcasm served hot with a fresh side of dry humor. Because who really likes to take life so seriously?

8 Comments on Meet My Pocket Nanny……

  1. Jen (my fave ginger) – This is amazing. I miss that witt and sense of humor of yours. Hope you are well. Love you!

  2. Jen, this was brilliant. I laughed the whole time. Especially your not a real mom unless you poop with your child. So true! And just FYI it doesn’t stop. My 6 year still feels the need to come talk to me or asks for my conversation while she goes. Let me know how that pocket nanny works out. I’ll definitely invest 🙂

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